Whether I knew it or not then, my world was in turmoil. Rather than holding on to this ex wife of mine (the Army), I was divorcing her and coming to grips with it. Instead of just jumping to the next hottest thing, I pumped the brakes and needed to focus on me. I wish I could say it was easy, but it wasn’t. I was still harboring a lot of anger with the way the Army was kicking me to the curb. I was lost and didn’t know what to do next. Although I was exploring it, my mind was torn between a traditional way of thinking to an entirely new world I was unfamiliar with. The Army was more than my job, it had become my identity.
I was unbalanced, I was angry. I had developed this negative way of thinking that made me hard to be around. Everyone was a threat and no one was to be trusted. I trusted in my guys, my unit, my Soldiers. This is what I knew. I kept everyone at arms length and the only emotion I was comfortable showing was anger. After being burned so many times, I planned operations centered around overcoming every possible obstacle that could get in the way of reaching my goals. What can go wrong, will go wrong – and I would ensure that this wouldn’t happen on my watch. That was my mindset and it was harsh. If someone did something wrong, I let them know bluntly and I didn’t hesitate to say so in front of everyone. I was hard but fair. Life was about hard work, sacrifice and embracing the suck. Your feelings and your comforts were secondary to the mission because your enemy was working harder whenever you were resting. I was angry, I was intense and I was relentless – I was basically a huge asshole.
I was getting into arguments, I was getting into physical altercations and I was on edge. If I wasn’t fighting, I was imagining it or looking for it. I was in this constant state of stress and I didn’t even know it until I started developing physical issues. I hurt my hand after getting out of my car and punching a man’s car window in front of my family, I blew blood vessels in my thigh during a physical altercation and nearly got arrested. The doctor later described as a type of aneurysm that somehow occurred in my leg. I started to develop numerous heart arrhythmia patterns that landed me in the emergency room twice. The first time I stopped it by literally walking into the ocean in an effort to calm down my heart rate and relax. I was always on the verge of losing my shit on someone both inside and outside of the house, but kept telling myself that this was normal.
Aside from coming to grips with this life transition, the Army had also forced us to move with two years left of my career at the start of COVID. With one of those years dedicated to retirement, my new unit would truly only get one good year of work out of me – this was completely fucking pointless. My daughter was just starting high school, and the civilian job I was pursuing after retirement would now be harder to return to. Our dog was dying of cancer and now we were moving from a 3000+ sq ft home into a 1200 sq ft apartment while looking to buy a house in a seller’s market. We moved three times in two years and I was at my wits end.
My wife and I were at odds and our fights became more and more intense. She yelled and screamed at me about the same things she hated about me for the past decade. For the first time ever – I actually heard her. I don’t know why. It wasn’t what she said or how she said it, but for some reason it hit home and it made sense. Maybe it was because I was in this place where I was studying subjects I had never studied before – Real Estate, Money, side hustles, etc. Maybe its because I was networking and talking to people outside the military. Who knows what it was, but for once – my mind was open.
I sat with myself for hours and truly examined where I was at this moment and took it all in. I wasn’t in a good place. I wasn’t healthy. All I knew was that I was angry and I didn’t know why. I reached out to my Behavioral Health therapist and I got aggressive with therapy. It helped, but I was still in a dark, angry place. The fights continued with my wife, and my daughter didn’t want me around. I was alone.
Around this time, was the re-investigation for my Top Secret Clearance. As a result, I had to reach out to friends and family I hadn’t spoken to in awhile. I had to remind them that private investigators would be reaching out to them to verify who I am in order to grant my clearance.
One of my old friends asked how I was doing, and everything came out of me. It was diarrhea of the mouth and I was talking a mile a minute about how angry I was. I was spewing rage and hate out of my mouth and telling her about all my personal struggles while coming to terms with retirement. I’ve known her for years and I know that whenever I need a fair, straightforward answer from anyone, I could count on her for the right advice.
She was also going through somewhat of a transition in life and trying to better her mindset because she felt that her relationships were being affected by her toxic attitude and straightforward way of talking. This was precisely why we were friends to begin with. She’s always been a bit eclectic and way more spiritual than me, which I respected – but this was different. It was actually a bit much.
We weren’t on the same wavelength. She was talking to me like a fucking monk. I almost lost my mind. Her way of looking at problems was completely different, yet she was in control and at peace. Instead of giving me a straightforward answer of what I should do next, she would ask me questions about why I was feeling how I was feeling.
I listened respectfully, but I was in disbelief. I was dumbfounded and felt like I was going to have an aneurysm again. I started yelling. “Are you serious right now? What are you talking about? This isn’t even realistic!.” She asked if I wanted to sit and do breathing exercises on the phone to calm down. I forreal almost lost it. “Look, I can’t do this shit right now, I gotta freaking go.” CLICK.