If there was anything I struggled with most during this whole life transition, it was my mindset. I’ve been described as Intense, Angry, Straightforward, Blunt, and Demanding. In my head, I always believed that if I had a problem with someone, the only way to fix them was to tell them – Bluntly. Fuck their feelings. Because I was surrounded by Type A’s and I was usually the highest ranking – this wasn’t usually a problem unless I was being unreasonable. The only time I was unreasonable or when I flexed my rank was when I was angry. Unfortunately, I was angry often. This became the natural way I approached problems – through blunt force trauma. Regardless, I wanted change and it was going to take some serious work if I wanted it bad enough.
I started auditing my life and my time. I was spending time following useless stuff on social media, I was surrounded by negativity and whenever I had a business idea, people would tell me how crazy it was. After awhile, I just believed them and focused on finding a traditional job.
When I came home from work, I would drink beer and veg out by watching more negativity on the news, or get on Facebook arguments about politics or COVID with strangers. Because of COVID, I stopped going to the gym, seeing people in person, kept eating and drinking more and stayed glued to my phone for hours as my escape from reality.
But things were changing. I was reading more. I was listening to podcasts and educating my brain. Now the podcasts shifted from real estate and money to mindset, positivity and mindfulness. I started using social media for education instead of entertainment. I was networking more thanks to THF, started cutting out all negativity and I started following positive people on my social media feed. I stopped watching the news and started journaling about gratefulness in the morning while setting goals for the year. Whenever I was surrounded by negative people, it stood out like a sore thumb and I would break contact with them as much as I reasonably could.
As a result, things were changing. My relationships were changing and the people I was surrounding myself with were encouraging me to do more instead of telling me why my goals were crazy. Even the negative people started coming around to a new way of thinking once in awhile. It was infectious and it felt good. I had momentum and now I was looking at problems differently. But it was still hard and felt foreign and unnatural.
Regardless, it felt good and it was addicting. I was building momentum and I wanted more. The world has a freaky way of bringing you more of the things you focus on and it was happening. Whereas I used to focus on how fucked up people were and how messed up the world was, now opportunities were springing up and coming to me. Hosts from podcasts I listened to were messaging me, real estate investors I followed were reaching out to give me advice. My new network of friends were reaching out asking my opinion on their latest entrepreneurial ventures. To be honest, it kinda freaked me out and scared me. I couldn’t recall a time prior to this that I had opportunities being thrown at me like this. Maybe they were, but I wasn’t paying attention. At that moment, I truly begun to believe that what I was putting out into the world was what I would receive – I just had to believe in it. But not everyone around me was prepared or even understood what was happening. If anything, it confused them or scared them. To be real, it scared me too – but it excited me all at the same time.
During this whole process, I was spending more and more time at the hospital annotating my medical issues after 20+ years in the military. I was always physical growing up playing year round sports, and the military was no different. I sustained numerous head injuries from parachute jumps, combatives, explosions, rocket attacks, car accidents etc. This inevitably led me to the Intrepid Spirit Center for Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI). I bring this up because this led me down a path of treatment that truly changed my mindset – The Intrepid Spirit Center’s Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP).
The IOP was an intensive 5 week program, that ran from 0700 to 1600 daily and focused on recovery from TBI. The treatment was far different from anything I had ever experienced and focused on various modalities such as Mindfulness, Yoga, Sleep, Behavioral Health, Emotional regulation, Art Therapy, Spirituality, Speech Therapy, Communication, Finances, Relationships and Reintegration into the community. It was like 8 hours of therapy a day with some of the best therapists and doctors I’ve been blessed to cross paths with.
It couldn’t have come at a better time. As I was just dipping my foot in the realm of mindfulness through recreational reading on my own, I was now in all day classes studying the science of mindfulness and practicing it for homework. When I would fall back into my bad habits surrounding explosive emotions, we would discuss it openly in class and come up with strategies to stay calm and regulated. My mind was being fed and I was learning and practicing at an exponential rate. We were having deep, conversations and getting in touch with feelings I had long since forgotten or buried.
I realized that I didn’t learn how to express my feelings in a healthy way and that I prided myself with feeling numb to any emotion other than anger. Anger was my fuel, it was what drove me when someone told me I couldn’t do something – but it also burnt me out. I held grudges, I created a “people to kill” list on my phone with the reason they wronged me, along with a soundtrack of music to play when I would eventually get my revenge.
As mindful as I have grown to be, the primal side of me is still very much alive and well. It is a big part of who I am, but grew to be uncontrollable and wild. The military has a way of fostering the wild side of anyone, but the key is being able to control it and not let it engulf you like it nearly did to me. Learning to be mindful has brought balance to my life in a way I would have never imagined and literally saved me from myself.
Have I reformed into a full time monk? HELL NO. I struggle with this on a regular basis and know that if I don’t keep myself in check, it is EASY for me to fall back into my old, natural ways. Having negative emotions are not a BAD thing, they are a HUMAN thing. Last time I checked, we’re all humans. Its what we do with those feelings and emotions that drive us to become who we want to be.
What demons do you struggle with? Have you talked yourself out of taking a leap of faith and pursuing an opportunity? Why? Are you your own worst enemy? What about negative self talk? Do you do it?
Next time you have negative thoughts about yourself – write it down. Then, take that list and go to the people that you love most and say those things to them instead of to yourself. Go ahead….I’ll wait. Can’t do it? Cat got your tongue? If you won’t talk to your loved ones that way, then why would you talk to yourself that way? Here’s some advice – QUIT. THAT. SHIT. You’re better than that.