Do you listen to understand, or do you listen to respond? Read that again. Even with intensive therapy and coaches at my side, change is hard. My mindset was different and I was looking at things in a more positive light. It begun to affect every part of my life in small but subtle ways and I was meeting more people and having great conversations. I was becoming social again. Social situations were never awkward when I was in high school or college. I actually enjoyed them. I enjoyed meeting people, I enjoyed having fun. But somewhere along the line that changed.
It was because of my genuine curiosity of cultures and ability to socialize with strangers that I was drawn to my particular career in SOF. In the beginning of that journey, I was different. Everyone in the schoolhouse had gone through a lot to be there. They were specially selected, motivated, excited and they wanted to be there. I was surrounded by Type A’s who were hyper competitive, excelled physically and mentally and had the same goal. Everyone was driven and we grew closer by suffering through similar suckfests at Fort Bragg. Socially, we barbecued all the time, drank beer and hung out on the weekends while motivating one another during school.
But over the years, that changed for me. I slowly became angry, bitter, and didn’t trust others., I was withdrawn and unless I was with other military friends of mine – anyone new to that circle were viewed as a threat until they proved otherwise. I always smiled pleasantly and shook hands, but in my head I was sizing them up and imagining how I would physically hurt them if I needed to. The shit that came out of people’s mouths annoyed me and I’d rather just avoid the situation altogether by pulling an excuse out of my excuse jar just to stay home. Looking back, this obviously wasn’t a healthy state of being.
But slowly, things were changing. THF forced me to network with 50 cups of coffee. Those relationships opened up other relationships and they were all positive. Everyone wanted to help one another in some way shape or form and it became awkward to be the odd man out not trying to do the same. I was approaching people in public, I was talking to people at random and happy to get below surface level conversations about more than just the weather. And you know what? People really aren’t that bad at all. Are there dumbasses out there that say and do dumb shit in an effort to divide us? Well, of course. But changing my mindset to try to hear them out and actually understand their point of view made for even more interesting conversations.
Listening to understand and not to reply was definitely something I had to work on. Hell, it was hard. I was used to getting my way, I was used to telling people what to do and having one way conversations. I did not shy away from confrontation. I enjoyed it. Telling people what to do was what I did for a living and I became very good at it. It was my way or the highway and that was my world. But the more I studied the concept of simple listening – I realized I wasn’t doing it. I was waiting to respond.
As I looked around, I realized that most people were bad listeners in general. It’s actually good listeners who are the minority. Sometimes conversations with true listeners are actually awkward. They’re filled with silence because the listener is typically quiet, curious, asking questions, processing and relaying back what they are hearing. From the outside, it sounds like a one way conversation. But inside the conversation, the speaker is feeling heard and above all – understood.
Try it sometime at a party. Start with the normal introduction, “Hi, I’m ____, what’s your name?” Then, “How do you all know each other?” From there, genuinely listen. Actively listen. Nod, smile and repeat the last three words they said in a form of a question. The silence will be awkward, but will make them elaborate further so you will understand better. Keep doing that and occasionally repeat what they’re saying to acknowledge you heard them.
Before you know it, there will be diarrhea of the mouth and you will have learned everything about that person without even saying much about yourself. And you know what? They’ll feel like you’re the coolest person in the world who truly understand them.
Many people aren’t always heard or understood in their day to day lives unless they’re the boss. So when someone listens to them for the first time in awhile, its a good release for them. In the end, most people simply want to be heard, understood and feel like they matter.
Actively listening forces you to put your ego aside and make the conversation all about the other person rather than yourself. Coming into the conversation with an open mind and genuine curiosity makes listening more authentic and real.
But can you do this with a person who has an opposing political viewpoint to your own? What if its a loved one? Maybe its a spouse who’s upset and starts finger pointing at you and blaming you for something. Can you practice listening then? I know I couldn’t.
If someone told me something that wasn’t true or that I took as an attack, I was the type to automatically dig in and defend my ground. Then I would attack right back until the threat was gone. If the will of the other person is just as strong, you’d be in it for 15 rounds or until someone tapped out. But in my world, there was no tapping out. I submitted or destroyed my opponent and that was what would end it.
Now in the context of a disagreement with a loved one – this is even harder. Even with all this newfound knowledge of my brain, mindfulness and communication – its still painfully difficult. But I kept at it.
In the heat of a particular argument with my wife, I had to hold back everything that I wanted to say and try to remember everything I had learned to do in an effort to be mindful and to listen. It was hard. I was taking everything as an attack. I started taking it personally and while she was yelling at me, I sat there in my head and was formulating my rebuttal along with shit she did back in 2009 that pissed me off.
But I didn’t go there just yet. I had learned techniques to use in these situations and little one liners to say while I was in therapy to deescalate arguments. That was awkward. I was practicing mindfulness and trying to keep reminding myself that these were simply emotions I was feeling and not true daggers that were purposely being thrust into my heart.
But my heart was racing, my hands started sweating and my temperature started to rise and all I wanted to do was launch my attack. When she paused from all her yelling, I know she was bracing for impact from the hell I was about to unleash verbally. I had my list of shit from 2009 I was about to throw back at her, but I was conflicted. Fighting back and defending myself was the natural state of being for me in any argument, but I was making so much progress in a different mindset. Do I choose the natural path of verbal violence I’ve always known, or this awkward, way of communicating like a monk?
She’s bracing for impact with her shield and I can see her formulating her next response in her head. She’s not listening. Now’s the time to strike hard, so I responded.
“So, let me make sure I understand what you’re saying….what you’re saying is that I’m basically an asshole? Is that right?”
You could’ve heard a fucking pin drop. Silence. Awkward silence. a strange look of confusion and disbelief on my wife’s face. She couldn’t even respond. She stutters, “Well…Y-Y-Y-YES!” She stops for a second and then continues yelling at me and reiterating with more detail.
I’m fighting every ounce of wanting to respond with my own verbal attack and keep repeating what she’s saying to her whenever she pauses. “So, what I’m hearing you say is____Correct me if I’m wrong, but what I think you’re saying is___”. Each time I’m repeating what she’s saying, I’m strangely feeling more confident, almost if I actually have the upper hand.
This went round and round a few more times until she calmed down and responded, “Yes. That’s freaking all I’ve been trying to tell you this whole time.” She said in a relieved tone.
“Holy fucking shit, I can’t believe that bullshit actually freaking works.” I think to myself. I’m am in complete disbelief and feel like I have a secret superpower. I’ve never done that before.
Did I agree with everything she said and everything she accused me of? Fuck no. Hell, I was still pissed. Did I get a chance to give my rebuttal to what she was saying? No. But what was more important to me was that we weren’t fighting. I think I was more stunned that these techniques actually worked, that I was no longer concerned with saying my piece and being right.
Maybe there was something to this after all? In every argument, I used to want that feeling of being right or outright winning. But this was different. Was I truly winning in the short term or hurting the relationship in the longterm? Whether I knew it or not, I was reframing what winning was in a disagreement. Being able to keep myself calm, not having my emotions drive me to attack the other and listening to understand without ego was truly winning. Sounds great, but its easier said than done. This would take work. Lots of work. And when you’re as egotistical as me, its even harder. But it can be done if you wanted it bad enough.