In the infinite wisdom of the Army, it’s time to move again. Regardless of whether I am trying to line up my next job, my family is settled, and my daughter is going to start high school, its time to leave. I have two years left before retirement, one of which is pretty much spent transitioning to the civilian world. I’ll spend a few months getting settled at work and then the new unit will get close to a solid year of work out of me before I begin the retirement process. Bottom Line Up Front – This move is a complete waste of time.
I let my new unit know my plans and they all agree its a waste to even move. At this point, I’m just defeated AF. After enough years in the Army, you grow numb to stupid shit and just get beat down. Stupid shit is a way of life and you learn not to question it. Nothing surprises me anymore. Being that this took place right in the middle of COVID, I probably could’ve pushed this higher to fight the move, but like I said – I’m just beat down. I have no more fight left.
As I’m doing my rounds around the island and saying my goodbyes to our friends, neighbors and co-workers. My co-workers promise to keep in touch knowing that 2 years will fly by and I’ll eventually return with the family to take some semblance of this job again as a civilian.
At this stage in my career, there’s still hope for promotion though. I can still continue to grind and take on more work in order to remain competitive for promotion. But, as time goes on the probability of making that happen becomes slimmer and slimmer. I’m also burnt the fuck out and just angry with the Army at this point. I just spent 2 years of a 4 year tour away from my family – all for what? I know the Army – there’s always more work to go around and if you do a good job, you’re rewarded with more of the same. Not sure if I want to keep doing this and keep grinding down on my family.
So I weigh my options. Do I dust myself off and get right back after it at my new unit? Even if I can somehow make it happen and promote, this will incur at least two more moves, including taking command. All while my daughter is in high school. What is driving this – my ego? Do I even have passion for this anymore? Can my family deal with the uncertainty of where we’ll move next? At this point, my daughter has changed schools numerous times and each time she’s had to move, the tears from leaving her friends have gotten bigger and bigger. As hard as I may brag to be, this shit is heartbreaking.
Well, I can work and maintain my connections in Hawaii and return to do what I was doing before right? Easy enough. That’s the most solid plan thus far, so let’s go with that.
But what about the time away from home? That was significant. When you’re running a hundred miles an hour along with everyone else, that lifestyle is normal. For the old timers in those positions, it has become a part of their lives. Most are retirees spanning from the Vietnam Era to the Army of the 80’s and are slowly hanging it up for full retirment. They need new blood in there. Guys who are still young and hungry who have enough in their tank to deal with the punishing travel and work schedule.
But is this what I want? I can bring the family along on trips right? I can take leave between trips to travel the world some more right? I’ don’t know. I’ve got to sit with this for awhile. I look back at my career and think about the times I was the happiest and the most alive. When were my natural strengths utilized and I was living to my best potential? Hell, what were my strengths?!
Others have reached out to me to start looking at jobs within the SOF realm. As cool as SOF is, I’m not sure I have a passion to be doing that work anymore. Right now, I want no responsibility. I want to go to my job and mindlessly work without feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and my decisions. At the end of my day, I want to simply go home to my family and just relish in the fact that I’m there living a normal life. I just want to be. I just want to decompress.
What skills do I have? I studied Criminal Justice and Psychology in college, I have a masters in Strategic Studies with a concentration in Asia. I have extensive travel in Asia, I apparently have leadership skills and managerial skills and millions of dollars of intense training. I’m this ball of stuff that is so weird that I feel doesn’t fit anywhere outside the military. Yet my heart is pulling me in another direction, but where?! Why is it that I just want to stock shelves or be a Walmart greeter then? Will that be fulfilling, or will that eventually wear off and keep me questioning whether I can do more? The issue is, I CAN do more and I know I’m capable of so much more.
God, I feel like a senior in high school again. Only this time i’m 20+ years older. Getting a job should be a piece of cake right? In the end, I need to work because I need to support my family. Does it matter if I’m happy with the job? NO. You do what you gotta do and your happiness comes second right? That’s the way it’s always been. Or is it?